BREAKING NEWS! Writer Extremists EXPOSED

Photo credit to RetroSupply on Unsplash.

“As of Saturday, October 14th, 2023, a mass of secret information on the lives of extremist writers has become exposed,” writes literary nerd E. G. Runyan from her living room. “It has been revealed to the general public that writers indeed operate in extremes…and dangerous extremes at that.

The first extremists, and arguably the most dangerous, are known as the “Killer Writers”, “Heartbreakers” or more commonly as “Storytelling Sadists”. These tellers of tales are known for their pleasure in violence and the killing off of their characters. “I’m off to kill someone” is their secret cultist saying, used to communicate to their fellows that they too are part of the conspiracy. In an effort to discover more about this dangerous group, your faithful reporter interviewed several of their victims.

“T-t-they broke my h-heart!” Sobs TenderReader54. “H-how could they kill off the love interest??? I’ll never trust agaaaaaain!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The second interviewee refused to even leave his bedroom. All this reporter was able to glean from the non-existent conversation was that there seemed to be incomprehensible muttering coming from under the door.

The third interviewee, RageReader14, was having a book burning ceremony when this reporter had the chance to interview him. He was indulging himself in burning such works as The Hunger Games, Gone With the Wind, Where the Red Fern Grows, and Old Yeller.

“I can’t do it anymore,” he explained, solemnly casting Hamlet into the flames. “I don’t know if I’ll ever feel again.”

Further investigation into the Storytelling Sadists revealed that they rejoice in watching their readers grieve their dead characters.

“Success!” Writes author Anna Tortura. “The mentor kill-off worked tremendously well! Readers all over the globe are mourning!”

The other extremist writer group is known as the “Nothing Writers” or from more unkind tongues, “The Writmpers” (Writer+Wimp). It has been revealed that these writers have a horrible fear of killing characters, or even leaving any lasting consequences in their stories.

“I HATE THESE BOOKS!” EagerReader19 roared, dumping the entire Nancy Drew series into his dumpster. “NANCY HAS NO PROBLEMS OR FAULTS! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???”

“This is driving me insane,” QuietReader34 muttered, turning another page of The Bobbsey Twins and Their Schoolmates. “Do they have ANY conflict? This is sooo boooring.”

Unfortunately, these Nothing Writers are also known for their “perfect” characters.

“I have never hated anyone so much,” BookWormer60 informed your reporter as she donated the Elsie Dinsmore series to the Nobody-Wants-It-Society. “She is so unrealistic.”

While this disturbing information continues to become unveiled, some readers argue for a happy medium.

“Books like The Wingfeather Saga and A Tale of Two Cities, though full of sadness and some death, are at the same time beautiful and important,” AnonymousReader said, taking a sip of his tea. “Writers just need to find the happy medium.”

Whatever writers need to start doing, this reporter cautions you in your reading life. You are either in danger of going insane from the Nancy Drews of the world, or being heartbroken by the Storytelling Sadists. As the public becomes aware of this danger to the mental health of society, we can only hope and pray that all comes out well in the end."

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Literary nerd E. G. Runyan is the faithful reporter of dangerous happenings and threats to the lives of readers everywhere. Though it has been rumored that she is a member of the Storytelling Sadists, others who follow her stories argue that she is merely a bitter Squib, while more far-fetched accounts say that she is secretly a hobbit in disguise. Whatever her intentions may be, E. G. Runyan's words are trustworthy. Mostly.