On Love

The world is obsessed with love.

It’s everywhere. In the movies, in books, and if you scroll social media or YouTube you’re probably going to see people talking about love. And not just the romantic feely kind. Families, friendships, pets, jobs, all of it boils down to society’s definition of love, and it’s portrayed for us everywhere. How our relationships should work. How people should treat us. What true love should look like.

I’m the kind of person who has a lot of unspoken goals, and I’m probably what most people would call ambitious. I want to try everything; write books, film movies, sing songs. That’s why I’m constantly surprising myself when I realize that for true love, I would give up everything. I would happily throw my writing down the drain forever if it meant that I got to spend the rest of my life with the guy I could give my heart to. That makes the ambitious side of me very uncomfortable sometimes. 

“But you’ve worked for this thing every day for all of your life. You’d really give it all up just for a person?”

Yes, I would. And YES, I may be a practical and straightforward person, but I have a very romantic side. When I was ten, multiple people told me that I was a real-life Anne Shirley. Yes, E.G. Runyan used to float through life commenting about how flowers were her friends and dreaming about a prince that would take her to his castle. 

In Ever After, one of my all-time favorite movies and in one of my all-time favorite film scenes, Prince Henry goes into deep philosophical thought. How can he find the perfect woman for him? How does true love work? It’s not only a funny clip, but it’s also soberingly relatable. 

Henry's thought processes are similar to my own. But instead of trying to unpack how to find the perfect mate (I have strong faith in God's Sovereignty; I'll end up with who I'm supposed to be with) I start to ask the questions what is love and what should it look like? A year ago I was in an immersive Spanish class and my teacher said something that really hit me hard:

“I wish that the English language did not use the word ‘love’ so lightly. To love is to feel something deeply, and we use the word so much in our regular conversation that it has lost so much of its profound meaning. ‘I love that dress’ ‘I loved that movie’ instead of the much more meaningful ‘I love you’.”

It’s true that in Spanish, the language is constructed in a way that makes the word “love” much more special. So what does the word love really mean? Why is it significant that our constant use of the word seems to demote its poignant meaning? 

For me, contrary to the view of society, true love is equivalent to self-death. A true and deep love means that you are willing to hurt for the person you love, whether that means putting their needs over your own, sacrificing your own wants for theirs, or (very importantly) caring about them enough to tell them the truth even when it’s difficult.

Society’s definition of love is associated with happiness and fulfillment. Lies like “Love is love” are a mask for the actual sin and deception slithering underneath. These social agendas and human wrongs are a clever cover-up for self love. So often when I’m watching a love story play out in a movie I find myself thinking, “The only reason so-and-so loves so-and-so is because they make each other feel better about themselves.” 

Instead of being rooted in love, our relationships are so often rooted in selfishness.

While Hallmark movies would have us think that finding “your person” gives you a happily ever after, Biblical love portrays something much more serious. By entering into love of any kind you’re opening yourself up to inevitable pain. To truly love someone you must be willing to strip yourself of what you desire. To deeply care about the wellbeing of another person, you must be willing to speak the truth—which could result in you being rejected. 

Human love is messy and broken and without the gospel it can’t work the way it’s supposed to. 

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

-John 15:13

The gospel illustrates to us the perfect love that comes through death. Christ loved us so much that he gave up everything for our benefit. This is the love that should be driving our relationships; not a selfish desire for validation but a selfless desire to give, give, give like Christ gave for us. 

In one of my favorite songs "this is what losing someone feels like", music artist JVKE repeats the refrain “When you love someone you tell them that you do”. In his music video he highlights the importance of telling the people you love that you love them. Life is short. Do you love someone? Tell them.

I think about the person I hope to fall in love with every single day. I pray for him, dream about him, and hope for him. I regularly ask Christ for a partner in the future; someone I can laugh with, cry with, and walk through life with. But I’m also constantly having to remind myself that finding my person won’t bring me fulfillment; and the only way a deep relationship can work is if I die to myself all day every day. 

There’s a quote from Louisa May Alcott’s novel Little Women that’s always stuck with me. It's always clearly articulated the way I believe I'm to act on love of any kind. When later on in the story Jo March rejects her best friend Laurie’s proposal, he tells her quite wisely that he knows she’s going to fall in love someday. She quickly argues that she can’t see herself ever getting married, but he replies,

"There'll come a time when you will care for somebody, and you'll love him tremendously, and live and die for him. I know you will, it's your way."

Is that your way? I hope that's my way. I aspire to love like that.

Live and die for the people you love.

Live life for them.

Die for them. 

And if you love them, don’t waste a single moment in telling them you do.