BREAKING NEWS! Legolas Greenleaf VANISHES

“As of Sunday, November 12th, celebrity Legolas Greenleaf has officially been confirmed ‘missing’,” writes Literary Nerd E. G. Runyan from her dining room table. “Befuddling detectives and fans everywhere, it seems as though the popular forest elf has literally vanished.

As Lord of the Rings fans and writers everywhere search for the handsome elf, clues are gradually being uncovered concerning the possible ‘reasons’ why the well-loved literary figure “up and left”. When your reporter delved into researching and reporting this disturbing incident along with the legions of fans, we discovered shocking and blatant evidence concerning the elf’s whereabouts that are now being hushed up by literary authorities and authors everywhere.

As strange and confusing the incident is, the overwhelming evidence regarding Legolas’ disappearance regards one main thing: this thing being fangirls.

“LEGOLAS WAS MISERABLE!” Roared Gimli the dwarf during his interview, smashing a rock with his ax while trying to hold back tears. “HIS LEGIONS OF FANGIRLS WERE THE PLAGUE OF HIS LIFE! I HATE THEM!!!”

Gimli kindly provided to your reporter an excerpt of a letter Legolas penned, his last written note before his vanishment.

I can’t do it anymore, he writes, his handwriting sloppy and unsure. The fan-fiction, the profile pictures of my face, the conversations regarding which LotR character you’d choose to marry…it sickens me to the core. Why can’t they just like Aragorn already???

After being studied by The Professional Hopeless Poet Society, tear smudges were found dotting the ink of these depressing words. But supporting Legolas’ words far more than even Gimli’s violent response was the reaction of Legolas fangirls across the country.

“He was the only elf for meeee!” Wept Nameless-fangirl 101. “I wrote fan-fiction about him and had a ten-hour playlist of his rap song!”

Indeed, millions of fans across the globe are now crying out over the loss of their beloved blonde-boy. While trying to uncover what exactly lay in Legolas’ apparent charm, your reporter interviewed each member of the Fellowship.

“I think Legolas was a right fine fellow,” Samwise Gamgee said cheerfully as he chopped his taters. “No wonder so many leddys liked him.”

When interviewing Merry and Pippin, your reporter gained nothing more than some raucous laughter and a muffled comment from Pippin, “That ninny? Yeh, the lasses liked him because of his long hair and how he never missed a shot! Have you ever noticed that no matter what situation he’s in, he never runs out of arrows? Seems kind of unbelievable if you ask me.”

Frodo was feeling unwell (it being a time of year where his wounds particularly bother him) and was unable to comment.

“Legolas was a fine man,” Aragorn said, gazing out at the mountains of Gondor from his castle. “But honestly. The girls should like me. At least I’m realistic.”

Boromir was, of course, unable to provide any feedback by being dead and all.

Gandalf the Grey reportedly said,

“Missing? He may just be late. Wizards though…wizards are never late.”

“Except for when you failed to show up at the Prancing Pony!” Frodo called angrily, apparently quite able to comment on this subject.

Gandalf shuffled, a smile teasing the corners of his mouth. “Yes…well…”

Speculations have been made on where exactly Legolas has gone. Many Tolkienites and Tolkien Professors believe he has finally gone across the sea. Perhaps so.

“Poor Legolas,” sighed a young Tolkienite from his home-library, The Lost Tales on his lap and a pipe in his mouth. “Girls should really turn their attention to real men, don’t you think? More sensible that way.”

Whatever fangirls should be doing, this reporter cautions you in your reading lives against feeding feelings for literary heroes, particularly idealistic blonde elves. You may chase them out of existence, or worse, make everyone else so sick of hearing about them that you make the character face unnecessary hate.

Until next time…my candle burns low. As always, I am your faithful Literary Reporter, reporting anything and everything of interest and importance to the world of readers everywhere.

---

Literary Nerd E. G. Runyan is the winner of the RIDICULOUS REPORTER OF THE YEAR award, and among other achievements, is most widely known for her love of cheese and chocolate. While it is rumored that her favorite LotR character is Frodo, it is even more often whispered that she herself is an unusually tall hobbit in disguise. Whatever Middle-earthian creature she is, reporter E. G. Runyan’s words are trustworthy. Mostly.